My phone is an Android, so I use Google Calendar. When a new year begins there are white spaces between “workout” (sometime before 8am) and “sleep” (By God’s grace, before 12am) on the calendar, cavernous with possibility but quiescent. The first few days are spent saying “happy new year” and trying out the new year on my tongue. It is also around this time that a hypnotic sense of ambition begins to brew and I begin to look at those same calendar spaces...
While the spell is in action, I seek out a plain A4 sheet of paper and a cute notebook (I always have one). I begin to write, carving with attention and focus, the year, and therefore, life, of my dreams. The A4 paper fills up quickly, and then the notebook, and soon, my calendar is the spitting image of Joseph’s coat of many colors.
This year was a little different though: as I sat with my tools before me, ready to ideate, I wrote - the page must not be blank - but it was a sparse desire. It reeked of contentment and consistency, of minimalism. As I looked at the half page of all my desires with exhaustion, I knew this year was different. I have often told my friends I do not have a baseline “zest for life”, but it’s intermittence permits me a boost at new years, new weeks, new months and all other news, however arbitrary. So, worry set in; worry about uncertainty, worry about wasting time, worry about goals that I did not have but felt like everyone else did so why didn’t I…. urgh!
We’re still in January, and as if to teach me a lesson about planning, the year made its own plans and timelines and dropped them in my Whatsapp messages consistently from the 2nd. I have not slept before 12am in the past two days, I likely will not today either. Tomorrow is also a full day. I am earnestly waiting to meet all my deadlines and just stop. No more new adventures, no goals, no more trying to maximize my twenties, NO MORE NEW (VOLUNTARY) RESPONSIBILITES. I need a break from my own ambitions.
It did not take that much convincing honestly. I did not struggle too much with the idea of choosing to actually do less this year but it wasn’t easy either. I have, in fact said this before; last year actually (lol). However, this time I think I will stick to it. I need this to be my year of rest and relaxation (this is a book - the cover is the picture I used for this. I haven’t read it though) . I need to recoup, I need to slow down, I need to replenish my strength; life is a marathon, not a sprint.
In other news:
Today, my class had a picnic. I planned the games for the outing. I had fun planning but I had so much fun playing. This is also one of the things I want to tap out from for the year but it was fun doing this (and also exhausting).
I finished Family Business on Netflix. Loved it.
I haven’t read much for fun this past week and frankly next week doesn’t look promising. Fingers crossed.
Have fun this week however you can.
Thanks so much for reading.
Much love.
from
~ Naomi